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What to do if a man gets impudent. Why does a man become impudent and not appreciate a woman?

For some reason, it so happens that girls strive to be ideal for the man they like.

Maybe the example of mothers and grandmothers, when a woman strives to please her far from ideal man and then sheds tears that he does not do this and that and lies in front of the TV.

A woman runs around a man, literally and figuratively, trying to please and feed him, but he doesn’t appreciate it and takes it for granted.

That was earlier. Now everyone has switched to giving a man maximum pleasure in sex. But this is not a guarantee that if you do not understand the psychology of a man, then special sex will not hold a man and will not force him to behave well with a woman. This is just another way to please a man. Everything is good in moderation.

But if women begin to think that this will solve many problems with a man, then this is far from the case. Maybe 10% of problems will be solved, specifically in the intimate area, but not all. A man will quickly begin to take this for granted.

So why does a woman constantly look for ways to please a man? It is possible that the roots of “goodness” lie in being loved, and a woman is convinced that this is precisely why she will be loved. Of course, love is primary for a woman, just as sex is primary for a man.

If the man ends up sitting on his head, and the woman gets better and better, then this will mean to the man that he is on the right track and doing everything right.

What to do when a man behaves badly?

If a man becomes impudent and behaves badly, then you need to say about it (without hysterics) and let him show in practice that she does not accept it. Clearly indicate the boundaries of what is permitted. That is, stop running around and please him. This is the very first thing to do. There are other ways, but without this principle you will not move from the point when a man becomes impudent.

REMEMBER! The better a woman treats a man, the more insolent he will become and will eventually wipe his feet on her. Alas, this is the bitter truth of life. But a slight understatement on the woman’s part will be beneficial.

The ideality of a woman in a relationship

If the relationship between a man and a woman is just beginning, then you can escape from such “goodness”. “Goodness” is also a desire for perfectionism or, if without foreign words, then for ideality. Through such ideality, a woman becomes too strong in a relationship, that is, stronger than a man. And in a relationship between a man and a woman, it is the man who should be stronger, not the woman. If this is difficult to do, then you need to try to at least sometimes show your feminine weakness.

Otherwise, the man will no longer need to demonstrate his strength and masculinity, and a typical imbalance will occur in the relationship. This applies to both the beginning of a relationship and for those who have been married for a long time. The only difference is that in marriage it is much more difficult to change the established rules of the game, from which the woman is stronger and suffers from it herself.

There is no need to be afraid of being a weak woman and showing your shortcomings. Ideal and strong women very quickly become boring to men. There is no place for a man here and the man feels it. Women who have flaws always arouse interest, even after many years, because they do not cause fear in a man that excessive demands will be placed on him.

If a woman runs the house impeccably and looks impeccably perfect, then men are afraid to approach such a woman and imagine that living with her will not be comfortable.

It's what's in a man's head and how they think. Therefore, it will be easier for you to not be so ideal and will help in building a relationship with a man. I’m not calling for you to completely let go in all respects, but if you know that you love to be impeccable, then it’s better to slow down.) All this is in relation to yourself and your space.

And as for relationships with a man and a woman’s attitude towards him, even more so here, you need to stop a man’s possible violation of your boundaries. This is when a man violates them without your permission and becomes impudent. Have you seen this in your relationships?

It’s not uncommon for me to watch a man brazenly go beyond the boundaries of what is permitted. He did it once and did it twice and went unnoticed by the woman, he will plant his flag and take advantage of it. 99% of men will behave this way. One fine day, a woman discovers that a man is sitting on her head with his legs dangling.

And this behavior is observed both among ordinary unsuccessful men and among successful ones. Sometimes both have different needs, and sometimes they are very similar. So, a man’s success does not particularly affect his arrogance, just like his nationality. If someone thinks that foreign men are different and everyone around them is the same prince, then this is completely wrong!

I would like to note that a good education and even more good upbringing makes a man less impudent towards women, and this is not always the case. Therefore, you need to focus on a man who is ready at any moment to use your feminine weaknesses to his advantage and prevent this from happening.

Having allowed this, you will not notice how he moved into your house, registered and you run around with pots, cook and wash for him, your beloved. It will be very difficult to correct the situation. Although better late than never. First of all, it is important to realize your wrong actions.

All of the above is confirmed by the statements of men themselves who were able to soberly analyze and evaluate male psychology. All this does not mean that you need to stop all communication with men, but that you need to learn to understand what motivates them to behave this way and not differently towards women.

Why does a man become impudent and not appreciate a woman?

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The man became insolent: what should I do?

The man became completely insolent. He sat on your neck, dangled his legs and felt very good. It's just that you're not happy. And what’s most important is that it didn’t happen right away.

This hasn't happened in your relationship for a while. Not to say that everything was perfect, but it was different. It was sometimes worse, sometimes better - ordinary waves, ordinary life.

And so, one fine day you decided to “pump up” yourself, your femininity, your feminine nature.

We decided to specifically take on our feminine responsibilities and become the only one, beloved and irresistible for a man. It may not be ideal, but very close to it.

In a word, we launched the process of our development and successfully completed it. So successful that the man’s behavior also changed very, very significantly.

In general, everything is as promised to you: "Change yourself and the world around you will change too".

And it really got much better. You have become an almost ideal woman. The man was at first surprised, then delighted, then inspired and answered you in the same way. But only for a while...

Well, when you already decided that the matter was in the bag, the man began to get used to good things and stopped trying. Or, even worse, he lost all gratitude and sat on your head. He has become a consumer and does not want to invest in relationships the way he did a little earlier.

If a similar situation is familiar to you, then everything is simple - you overdid it. They served and served, tried to be a true woman in all respects, but in the end they received his indifference and ingratitude.

This is a disappointment. Heavy, unpleasant, felt almost like betrayal. You invested so much effort, and at the end you got an arrogant consumer who constantly expects something from you.

What to do?

First of all, you need to realize that this is only a certain stage in your relationship. The stage at which testing and building the final boundaries of each other take place.

At the time when you had this situation, you could have been together for six months, a year, 10 years, 30 years - it doesn’t matter.

The important thing is that for some reason, clear boundaries have not yet been built between you and the man, indicating the limits of what is permissible in communication and everyday interaction.

And if so, sooner or later you had to face a situation where you need to be able to “defend your own” in the fight against male arrogance.

Perceive the current situation not as a personal insult or as a personal defect of your partner, but as a task that you have not encountered before. Like a task that appeared in your life after some changes on your part.

There is no point in panicking and thinking that it is impossible to continue living with this person. You should not harbor a grudge if in response to your efforts you only receive indifference or even ridicule.

Accept this as a non-standard situation requiring non-standard measures.

One of the features of the human psyche (especially men) is the belief that we deserve what we get if we get something good.

When should we I do not like what happens in life, we tend to believe that we don’t deserve it, that it’s unfair, that none of this should have happened...

But, if we are talking about something that we like, we are convinced that everything good that we have is given to us because we are so wonderful and deserve it.

In other words, a man, seeing your wonderful attitude towards him, feeling your care, feeling support, etc. starts thinking to himself: “If she behaves like this with me, then I deserve it. I’m great. I’m a tough guy!”

Do you think it's naive? For a small minority of men, yes. For the absolute majority, this is one hundred percent true.

Seeing that a woman cares and cherishes him, an ordinary man falls into the “illusion of infallibility” and accepts all her efforts as something self-evident, self-evident.

Rarely does anyone think that all this may be given to him “in advance.” Few people realize that this is a chance to understand something important and give the woman something in return.

Hence the problem. Self-development is wonderful. However, prolonged self-development without adequate feedback from a man sooner or later leads to the fact that a woman begins to experience serious stress.

What should you not do in this situation?

1. React stereotypically.
Typical forms of response are insults, scandals and threats of “sanctions”. This is understandable - nerves are not steel, but indignation, irritation and resentment have already exceeded all acceptable norms.

But despite this, the stereotypical response is a one-way path. And if you don’t turn away from it, then it’s very easy to find yourself on the sidelines of a relationship or marriage.

2. Pretend that everything is fine.
The second option for extremely unproductive behavior is to pretend that nothing special is happening.

What threatens the woman in this case? From the situation of “serving” she will move into the situation of “serving”.

What does this mean? The fact that a woman will commit daily mental and physical violence against herself.

She will try to speak to the man in a soft, gentle voice, but inside she will be torn apart by resentment and pain.

She will try to show concern and care for him, but anger will boil inside.

She will try to run the house well and maintain comfort, but it will be sheer torture - her body will resist doing anything.

Repeated violence against yourself will only lead to an aggravation of the problem and the emergence of a strong desire to leave this man once and for all.

Perhaps this is also a solution, but before taking decisive steps, it is worth conscientiously resuscitating the relationship through practicing meaningful detachment.

What does this mean?

It means that we educate another person by purposefully using detachment.

How exactly this is implemented, we will discuss below, but for now it is important to put an important “notch” in both our heads and hearts: inside ourselves we accept the situation that has occurred as something inevitable and necessary, and outside we take the necessary actions to eliminate it. Sometimes tough and confident.

Now a little more about what it means “We accept the situation within ourselves”. This means that during removal from a man:

There must be love in the heart, a sincere desire to maintain and improve relationships;
- you should not have anger, irritation or resentment;
- you do not consider your actions as revenge in response to his behavior.

Someone will say that this is unrealistic, impossible...

And I argue that these are absolutely necessary conditions for your “educational influence” to have a real and, importantly, constructive effect.

If all three conditions are not simultaneously met, then your by ineptly removing you risk ruining an already shaky relationship.

Therefore, if the “starting conditions” are not met, do not even think about the practice of meaningful withdrawal. It will only get worse.

When more there is no point in practicing this approach?

Then, when you are up to the problem and so they were not particularly zealous in serving a man. What will happen in this case, can you guess?

The man will simply feel relieved, and his thoughts will be something like this: “Thank you God, at least you left me behind...!”

Why? Yes, because everything was already very mediocre and ordinary, including periodic nagging addressed to him and other delights that did not contribute to the ignition of warm feelings.

Well, here you are distancing yourself, and he is ready to cross himself - "Thank God, at least she left me alone..."

Draw your own conclusions - if you are far from an exemplary woman, then attempts to distance yourself may cause an effect that you will not like.

Well, finally, we come to one of the most important questions - to suspension formats.

Since the word “suspension” itself is quite abstract, it is necessary to clarify exactly what formats of suspension can be practiced.

1. There are responsibilities. No warmth

This is the easiest format. Not in the sense that it is easiest to implement in practice, but in the fact that such removal can be considered the weakest, more neutral measure.

In this case, the woman continues to perform her usual duties, but does it coolly and outwardly indifferent.

This does not mean that she is sulking and angry. This does not mean that she spits in his soup and feeds him expired food.

This means that she controls her outward behavior and self-expression while maintaining love in her heart.

2. Cutting responsibilities

The second option is more serious and has a greater depth of impact with the proper execution technique.

Cutting responsibilities implies that the woman is really tired, exhausted and has decided to temporarily abandon her typical responsibilities.

Or, as an option, I allowed myself to refuse them occasionally.

In this case, situations will be common when, in response to a man’s request from the series “feed, iron clothes, etc.”, a woman asks him to do it himself, citing the fact that she is very tired.

I will not tire of reminding you that this is done without any pushback, without complaints, but calmly, gently and meaningfully. If you lose your temper, welcome to take a few steps back - you'll ruin everything.

Moreover, you can start asking your man to do something for you.

If above we looked at the situation when he turns to you and you “wrap him up,” now we are talking about the fact that you yourself can be the initiator of the request.

For example, you can ask him to wash the dishes, vacuum, put the child to bed, etc.

Of course, after that no one canceled their gratitude for the help (we want to stretch the relationship, right?)

3. Live separately

The most effective and understandable option for a man. Especially if the previous ones did not help correct the situation.

This does not mean that you need to leave immediately. Moreover, if it comes to the decision to live separately, then it is worth telling the man that you are not leaving, but simply need to “get yourself together.”

Explain that you need to put your thoughts and feelings in order, then feel free to change your place of stay.

Don’t rush to immediately hide for a couple of months - start with easier options for a few days from the “to visit a friend out of town” series. And only if this does not help, increase the time of separation.

"I eat all sorts of rubbish and watch all sorts of nonsense. Where are you? Stop me!"

Remember these words said by Kevin, the main character of the movie "Home Alone"?

Why am I talking about this?

The fact is that if a woman tolerates the unworthy, rude, boorish, ungrateful, arrogant behavior of a man, then something surprising at first glance happens. The man becomes even more inadequate, aggressive and boorish.

Why? Because inside himself he feels that his current behavior will influence him in the future. He understands that he is doing a lot of things wrong, but he cannot stop himself.

And at the very moment when a man cannot do this, and a woman can, but does not want, he begins to experience even greater aggression, because... she does not help him become better, having sufficient opportunities for this.

Therefore, stopping and changing a man’s inappropriate behavior is a much more favorable approach than tolerating and hoping to please him with your patience and irresponsibility.

You should always remember that severity (and sometimes harshness) is an integral component of love.

Where there is true love, there is always a desire to help the loved one become a better person. Even if it requires rigor, determination and can be painful.

Pain here is a condition that triggers changes that might otherwise never happen. Don't be afraid to hurt someone if you do it from a place of true love.

Result:

After reading all this, do not rush to apply meaningful detachment. Once again, evaluate the situation in terms of: "Is this causing any real harm, or is it just my troubled EGO?"

Is a man’s behavior really destroying your life or posing a clear threat, or is it your EGO that wants to take control of everything that happens around you?

And let the honest answer to this question be your criterion for whether it is worth using the tactic of disengagement, or whether it is better to “turn on” acceptance of the situation.

Dmitry Olegovich Naumenko,
Love Without Compromise.

I must say that all people will become impudent. Not only husbands, but also wives, children, and parents. Is it nice when you are given roses every day? At first yes.

And you even say “thank you.” Then – you also say “thank you” automatically. After a month, you are sure that this is correct. Let them give you their roses. And there is no need to thank anymore.

This is how our Ego works - it can convince us that we are worthy of all this. And therefore everyone else owes us something.

The same thing happens in the family.

When a wife cooks dinner every day, cleans the house - and does not demand anything, but only asks, a man is prone to impudence. In this case, arrogance will be expressed in the fact that he decides that he is worthy of all this. That the wife does all this because he is the most super-husband. And that's why she has to do it.

Or when the husband fulfills his wife's every whim, one day she decides that this is precisely because she is Miss Universe. This means that he must continue to indulge all her whims.

When a husband demands dinner from his wife, who is lying in bed with a fever.... When a wife demands a fur coat from her husband, who is experiencing a financial crisis.... When one of the spouses neglects his responsibilities, but demands the fulfillment of responsibilities from the other party - this is the first step towards divorce .

What to do about it?

The easiest way is to yell, become indignant, start nagging, or break up. They can be called simple because of their familiarity. After all, we often don’t think anymore; when a situation arises, we immediately react. Almost like Pavlov's dog: stimulus-response, stimulus-response.

Only such behavior “on the beaten path” will give the same results as usual. Then you should not expect that the relationship will somehow change, become better, deeper, and so on. After all, what is our reaction is the incentive for our partner.

But there is also no need to pretend that nothing is happening. For example, it often happens that a woman crosses this line. And then her service to her husband really turns into humiliation. There is no longer any dignity or Love in this. There is only a kind of great martyrdom and a complete lack of self-esteem. People often call this option: “letting your feet be wiped off.”

Both are undesirable extremes. But truth and balance are somewhere in the middle.

Dr. Torsunov explains that a loved one needs to be educated. Educating does not mean beating or lecturing. Also, this does not mean that we take the position of the smartest and saints. Parenting in family life is detachment. And the position from which we start is Love.

With great Love inside, sometimes we need to play a certain role of external severity. There is even such an image: “outwardly hard and adamant, like a stone, with a heart as soft as melted butter.”

Only such detachment will bear fruit. If we pull away with a hard heart, out of revenge, out of hatred, this will only ruin the relationship. If we don't pull away, feeling the same hatred and anger, resentment and disappointment, we will only make the problem worse.

What to do? Learn to Love. And learn to distance yourself correctly.

How not to pull away:

With scandals and accusations
Out of revenge (well, sit here, and I’ll go to the club!)
Neglecting responsibilities (cook for yourself, you bastard!)
If you have anger, resentment and irritation inside you (you need to live through them first)
If before this you have not served your husband selflessly and sincerely (in which case he will simply feel relieved that you have finally left him behind)
When to withdraw:

If you have sincerely and selflessly served a loved one for a long time, and he hurt you.
For example, you, as a wife, fully fulfilled your duties - selflessly and sincerely, did not nag your husband about this (neither in words nor in thoughts). But he got used to good things and stopped caring about you completely.
If your husband did something that caused you great pain.
For example, he cheated or caused physical pain. Such extreme situations require the right response. So that it doesn't become a habit.
If you are able to feel Love for him in your heart with all this.
That is, all grievances have been lived through, anger and irritation are already behind us. There is absolutely a desire in my heart to love him and be together. But you just need to somehow explain to him that you would like something different.

Phases or variants of suspension

1. You continue to serve him, but outwardly you behave more strictly.

In my case, this phase looks like “Everything is as usual, but I don’t want to communicate.” But not because you are a “bastard and a bastard,” but because it hurts and offends me. And I want to take a break. Sometimes in this case I speak more dryly, more strictly.

At the same time, dinner is also ready. And this dinner is prepared with love. There are also clean clothes in the closet. That is, Love continues to exist. But it manifests itself only in the most necessary things.

The only thing missing at this moment is close heart-to-heart communication. There is no evening tea party with discussions of plans and problems.

But not because I boycotted you. But because “sorry, let’s not now. I haven’t left yet.”

2. You stop performing some of your responsibilities for a while.

But at the same time you refer not to his arrogance or insensitivity, but to your fatigue. So I sometimes ask my husband to cook his own food, put the children to bed, iron his shirt. And again, you have Love inside you.

3. Sometimes you need to live separately. To assess the situation not from the inside, but from the outside.

It is important to explain that you are not leaving him. Do you want to put your thoughts and feelings in order? And you will return after some time.

You don't have to go to your mom right away. Maybe just go to the countryside to visit friends at their dacha for the weekend. In India they say: “Don’t be afraid of separations, be afraid of divorce.”

But you shouldn’t just run somewhere far away. This can also ruin relationships. Like any medicine, dosage is important. If it is exceeded, the medicine turns into poison. If you pack your bags whenever there is a disagreement, one day he may simply refuse to take you back.

How it works

Imagine that you eat only candy every day. A lot of candies. From morning to evening. Most likely, after some time you will start to feel sick. Your teeth will hurt. I'll feel thirsty.

Detachment in this case is like a sip of cool water. Due to its neutrality, it becomes life-giving. And then there is an opportunity to understand that candy is delicious.

The point is that you don't blame him for anything, you don't disagree, you don't make decisions. You give him the opportunity to wake up. See what's happening. And you also give him the opportunity to change.

At the same time, there is no violence, no tediousness and nagging. Although for us women, this method requires more patience (it’s much easier to yell or fight).

The point of our detachment is the point of transformation for both. You learn the rigor under which Love lives. Your partner gets a chance to change. To see that something is wrong, to feel your importance to him.

However, you should not abuse it. If you only feed him water, sooner or later he will get tired of it. And he will start looking for a place where they give candy.

Love includes severity

Remember that Love does not mean permissiveness, sacrifice and martyrdom. Love is constant work. Work that fills us with joy.

And the most difficult thing in this is to find a balance between Strictness and Service. The most important thing is that we should understand that by setting boundaries for another person, helping him understand his mistakes, we are doing good for him. In this way we help him grow and develop. And for this he will be grateful to us. Even if he doesn't say it out loud.

Hello, wonderful readers! You know that I often write about femininity, oh, I encourage women to work on themselves... But what to do if your husband has become insolent? If you serve him, and he sits on your neck?

There is such a terrible stereotype that “” just remains silent, endures everything and assents. Of course, this is only said by those who did not study the lectures, but read some phrases somewhere (taken out of context) or heard something from such an “expert.” In order not to be unfounded, I will give an example of a specific lecture by Oleg Torsunov, in which female severity is discussed.

If you don't have time for this, then read on.

Feminine severity

Oleg Torsunov clearly said that a woman should be able to be both affectionate and strict. That relationships can be destroyed due to two female mistakes:

the woman is not affectionate enough, does not accept and;
a woman allows a man to treat her badly.

Both of these mistakes can lead to the breakdown of a family. And if a woman says: “I did everything right - I obeyed him, cooked him a twenty-course meal, gave him a massage, walked around dressed up and tolerated all his whims. And he took it and went to another / began to demand the twenty-first dish / sent him to work” - then this woman did not understand anything.

I talk about necessity every time. And if a woman allows her husband to treat her with disrespect, allows her work to be devalued, she does not love herself. Definitely, she missed the most important thing - her own fulfillment and self-love.

Women's severity will come on its own. Then, when a woman understands that she is something truly valuable. He will truly understand, without even the desire to prove anything to anyone. Then, when it is internal completeness, and not the need to assert oneself at the expense of others...

Women's severity is not hysterics, not scandals and not attempts to take revenge. This is the ability to create distance, become colder and block the flow of love. Of course, this only works when there is something to cover. When a woman invests in a relationship and tries to do something for her husband.

Therefore, the plan for working on yourself should be exactly this:

Developing self-love, taking care of yourself, filling yourself with energy and femininity.
Taking care of my husband.
If your husband continues to disrespect you, you need to create distance.

How should female severity be manifested?

A good example. Let's say a spouse is often late at work and never warns about it. Despite numerous requests from his wife. What are your options?

You might be offended. Start a scandal. Don't cook him dinner. Go to spend the night with a friend. Figure out how to teach your husband a lesson. And so on;
Outwardly nothing changes. You also meet your spouse and serve him dinner. But not as warm as before. You are upset. But without resentment, without malice...

The second method is the best. It is the second method that gently helps a man understand that he has crossed the line. This method does not have the side effects that accompany quarrels. But it is only possible if you build good relationships.

Of course, the most difficult thing here is not to start getting offended, getting into a pose, or getting angry. Any hidden aggression is very harmful. Your task is just to stop radiating love and reduce the amount of affection. Without mixing irritation into it. And such behavior will be natural for you if you successfully complete the first two steps: self-love and sincere care for your husband.

Warning

I touched on a slippery topic. And I hope you don’t start interpreting it in your own way. All this will be useless if you have not learned to selflessly care for a loved one. Before you say that your husband is not behaving like this, think: and how do you behave yourself?

How well do you fulfill your responsibilities as a wife? How much love do you give? How insolent and full of claims have you become?

If, looking soberly at yourself, you realize that you yourself are far from ideal... Just start learning to love yourself. And then start serving your husband. In most cases, after this the problem will go away on its own. Relationships will improve significantly, there will be more happiness in the family, everything will be excellent.

And only if you have been learning to be a good wife for a long time, and your spouse only takes advantage of your kindness without giving anything in return... Only then are you obliged to show severity.

Family is mutual service to each other. In most cases, people want to be served, but they themselves are not ready to do anything. You have to change your mindset. Take the first step towards a happy family.

Of course, if your mindset is materialistic and you only think about rewards, nothing will work out for you. Understand that a happy family is the greatest value. And doing something for your spouse is wonderful in itself.

Instead of saying: “The husband has become completely insolent! How to put it in place? - Take your own place. Be beautiful in front of your husband, greet him with warmth, give him more love... And then we’ll see.

If you are serious about working on yourself, I recommend taking part in the course" Happy marriage"I took it myself. This course is very practical, useful and can change your life.

After the course for girls “How to become happy in 28 days”, I began to receive questions with the following content:
“At first my husband saw my changes and was inspired. Became more attentive. And then I got used to it. And he decided that he could do nothing in response. What can be lost with friends, but the house is still clean and tasty. He’s comfortable, but I’m not happy at all.”

Actually, the article will be the answer to these questions. I don’t really like the word “upbringing” when applied to my husband, but I haven’t yet found a more appropriate word.

Why do husbands get “impudent”?
I must say that all people will become impudent. Not only husbands, but also wives, children, and parents. Is it nice when you are given roses every day? At first yes. And you even say “thank you.” Then – you also say “thank you” automatically. After a month, you are sure that this is correct. Let them give their roses. And there is no need to thank anymore.

This is how our Ego works - it can convince us that we are worthy of all this. And therefore everyone else owes us something.

The same thing happens in the family.

Or when the husband fulfills his wife's every whim, one day she decides that this is precisely because she is Miss Universe. This means that he must continue to indulge all her whims.

When a husband demands dinner from his wife, who is lying with a fever... When a wife demands a fur coat from her husband, who is experiencing a financial crisis... When one of the spouses neglects his responsibilities, but demands the fulfillment of responsibilities from the other party, this is the first step towards divorce.

What to do about it?

Both are undesirable extremes. But truth and balance are somewhere in the middle.

The doctor explains that a loved one needs to be educated. Educating does not mean beating or lecturing. Also, this does not mean that we take the position of the smartest and saints. Parenting in family life is detachment. And the position from which we start is Love.

What to do? Learn to Love. And learn to distance yourself correctly.

How not to pull away:

With scandals and accusations
Out of revenge (well, sit here, and I’ll go to the club!)
Neglecting responsibilities (cook for yourself, you bastard!)
If you have anger, resentment and irritation inside you (you need to live through them first)
If before this you have not served your husband selflessly and sincerely (in which case he will simply feel relieved that you have finally left him behind)

When to withdraw:

If you have sincerely and selflessly served a loved one for a long time, and he hurt you.
For example, you, as a wife, fully fulfilled your duties - selflessly and sincerely, and did not nag your husband about this (neither in words nor in thoughts). But he got used to good things and stopped caring about you completely.

If your husband did something that caused you great pain.
For example, he cheated or caused physical pain. Such extreme situations require the right response. So that it doesn't become a habit.

If you are able to feel Love for him in your heart with all this.
That is, all grievances have been lived through, anger and irritation are already behind us. There is absolutely a desire in my heart to love him and be together. But you just need to somehow explain to him that you would like something different.

Phases or variants of suspension

1. You continue to serve him, but outwardly you behave more strictly.

The only thing missing at this moment is close heart-to-heart communication. There is no evening tea party with discussions of plans and problems.

But not because I boycotted you. But because “sorry, let’s not now. I haven’t left yet.”

2. You stop performing some of your responsibilities for a while. But at the same time you refer not to his arrogance or insensitivity, but to your fatigue. So I sometimes ask my husband to cook his own food, put the children to bed, iron his shirt. And again, you have Love inside you.

3. Sometimes you need to live separately. To assess the situation not from the inside, but from the outside.

It is important to explain that you are not leaving him. Do you want to put your thoughts and feelings in order? And you will return after some time.

You don't have to go to your mom right away. Maybe just go out of town to see friends at their dacha for the weekend. In India they say: “Don’t be afraid of separations, be afraid of divorce.”

How it works

Imagine that you eat only candy every day. A lot of candies. From morning to evening. Most likely, after some time you will start to feel sick. Your teeth will hurt. I'll feel thirsty.

Detachment in this case is like a sip of cool water. Due to its neutrality, it becomes life-giving. And then there is an opportunity to understand that candy is delicious.

At the same time, there is no violence, no tediousness and nagging. Although for us women, this method requires more patience (it’s much easier to yell or fight).

However, you should not abuse it. If you only feed him water, sooner or later he will get tired of it. And he will start looking for a place where they give candy.

Love includes severity

I wrote about this. Remember that Love does not mean permissiveness, sacrifice and martyrdom. Love is constant work. Work that fills us with joy.

I wish you all to find this balance of Severity and learn to Love!

— (I inspire women to be Women)

Olga Valyaeva

17.09.2023

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